Taking the "Yem" out of Malayalam

Anyone who has ever come across a Mallu ( the malayalam speaking species of India), even once, would certainly know the significance of "Yem" for a Mallu. In case you are still wondering what "Yem" is, let me then clarify, it is the 13th letter of the English / Roman alphabet most commonly represented as "m" and pronounced as "em".
By the way Mallus are just an euphemism for all Indians except that they have maintained their lead and held the centerstage over the years.
Meanwhile, I don't blame all the Mallus but for the One, the First one, who ever learnt the english alphabets. I guess he would have been learning the pronunciations while driving a car, when he came to a screeeeeeeeeching halt midway on the road on seeing a Mallu damsel and then Miss-pronounced the letter "m" as "Yey"-"m". And then as he continued his journey, stumbling here and there and giving a new facet to the enlish letters, the same mallu must have hit a big road block , this time just that he would have encountered the Mallu damsel's, moustached - lungi half folded, father - anna, and must have gone slam bang. But this then would have occured when he was about to read the letter "Z" and instead came out "Eee" - "Zed".
But then why crucify the Mallu alone. I am certain that even the Bongs ( Bengalis as they are fondly called) must also have had similar experiences and for that matter the Biharis and the UPites no less...
So here is my presentation of some of the the near death / life ( depends on how one wants to experience it) encounters, wherein the english language was put to the guillotine. I must admit what I have experienced over the years has helped me in giving the language a new dimension in itself.
I present a few snippets below.

1) My 1st class of engg ( in fact the 1st sentence that I hear)- Physics HOD in action :

"When the autumn gets excited.......". "and when one of these finds another excited autumn..."

I am left perplexed - How can autumn get excited. I turn back to peep into someone else's notes only to my embarrassment realise that "its not autumn but an atom "

2) Chemistry prof this time :

"I have 2 daaaters, both are girls ".

3) The assistant to our dept HOD:

This happened when we were meandering on the corridors of our dept and the principal came for a surprise visit, the asst came out with a gem.
"Students get into your classes, the principal is rotating"

4) A prof with his verdict on finding that the principal had just crossed the door of our class :

"Students keep quite. The principal has just passed away"

But the onerous task of giving a new dimension doesnt belong to the mallus alone. Since I am talking of "Eingriji" (english) how can the bhadroloks not find a mention. This is a compilation of some of the more famous quotes I have heard over the years. Sadly though havent had the privillege to hear them 1st hand.
So here they go.

1) Irate Bengali teacher to her pupils :

"Both of you three guys stand up"

2) The teacher asks the student to meet him when he is free and then produces a gem:

"Come behind the staffroom when the teacher is empty "

3) And then one more :

"Dont disturb me now. Come to me when the school is finished and my time is empty."

4) Just beat it - A teacher to his pupil on finding that he had farted :

"Passing wind and laughing in the class "

5) The last one.. the list can go on and on :

"Suman, you want to appear for the exams, or disappear?" :-)

And finally the ubiquitous ones. Probably symbolic of our way of getting around english.

1) Open the windows. Let the atmosphere come in"
2) "There is no wind in the football"
3) "I talk. He talk. Why you middle talk??"


!! I have plagiarized the title from a NDTV online news item and given it my own interpretation..